every moment

Painful lessons: growing and learning

Life has not been fun or easy, but I’ve been growing so much.  I can see now how God has been working in my life over the last few months and teaching me extremely important lessons.  It’s amazing.  As you may know, I went through a difficult breakup right before I moved to New York.  I really loved the girl, and the way God did seemingly miraculous, amazing kinds of things during the relationship caused me to have really high hopes for the future.  But God apparently had other plans.  When everything fell apart, my world got totally turned upside down.  I became so broken as all my hopes and plans were smashed into pieces.  This breakup happened at probably the worst possible time, starting up a very challenging job and feeling very inadequate/unqualified as a professor, moving to a huge city (and relatively dangerous area) for the first time after living in safe, comfortable places all my life, and not having any friends around to support me in my time of need.

I’ve struggled for a long time.  I’m still struggling in some ways.  But now I’m slowly starting to understand and get a glimpse of how God knows what He’s doing.  I truly believe He allowed all that stuff to happen all at the same time because of His love for me.  I’ve been learning so many valuable lessons and difficult truths.  God has been performing surgery on my heart and on my mind, weeding out garbage and selfishness that has been there for years.  It’s slow, and it’s still a LONG way to go, but He’s changing me.  Some of the things I’ve been learning:

1. This life is not about me.  I had my own plans for God.  These seemed like good plans.  Instead, God reminded me that my life is not my own and it is about surrendering to His will, not demanding my will.  I know His plans are so much better than mine in the end, even if I can’t see that for now.  Life is not about me and getting my way; it’s about God’s will.  It’s about the story of God bringing redemption to broken people and places in the world and bringing glory to Himself.
2. Life is about glorifying God and enjoying Him as the only one who can satisfy and bring the deepest joy.  It’s so easy to tether your hopes on so many things (even good things) other than God.  But these things will always ultimately disappoint.  Only God can bring the deepest fulfilment.  Reading Desiring God and Don’t Waste Your Life has been really helpful in gaining a better understanding of what really satisfies in life.  It’s not a godly girlfriend, it’s not being popular, it’s not money, it’s not possessions and earthly security, it’s not a job — it’s about bringing glory to God through our lives (actions and words) and enjoying Him.
   
3. God cares about our hearts and our character, not so much what we “do” for Him.  I thought I had something to offer God in terms of making an impact in the city.  But my heart has been very selfish, prideful, and full of wrong motivations.  God often times allows us to go through suffering and trials to refine our hearts (1 Peter 1; Hebrews 12) and strengthen our faith.  It feels crappy when you go through it, but God does it because of His deep love for us.  He disciplines those He loves.
   
4. We can be content in any circumstance.  A recent sermon by Tim Keller talked about how no matter how bad our circumstances get, we have 3 reasons that we can be like Paul and find contentment in any circumstance: (1) the bad things will turn out for good – Romans 8:28; (2) your good things can’t ever be taken away (e.g. being adopted into the family of God, being transformed by the Spirit, justification, sanctification, glorification, etc. and (3) the best is yet to come.  I found this to be really awesome and encouraging.
   
5. The real work of Christianity is done in secret.  For a long time now, I would always want to be thanked or noticed for my good deeds.  Growing up in the church, being raised in my family the way that I was, and always being seen as a “leader” or “good” has somehow trained me to sometimes be more concerned about image (pleasing people, living up to their expectations, and having people see me as “good”) rather than substance (genuine character).  My character and who I was in secret has needed much work, so I think God broke me to deal with this area of my life.  Jesus said that when you do good, don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing (Matthew 6).  And to pray in secret behind closed doors, not publicly like the Pharisees or hypocrites.   I’d focus so much on my performance and do lots of good things, but wouldn’t pray enough or focus on character and the things done in secret enough.  Like Mary (not Martha) I really need to spend more time with Jesus rather than just doing things for Him.
   
6. Faith and fear are opposites.  At the workplace, my character is often tested in terms of giving God my best.  I’ve been learning an important truth: faith is from God and fear is from Satan.  They are exact opposite of each other.  God loves, accepts, encourages, shows mercy, and causes growth.  Satan accuses, casts blame and doubt, causes paralysis, and tempts me to sin or give up.   Which do I act upon, faith or fear?  At my job, I often would find myself driven more by fear rather than faith.  I would believe lies and feel so inadequate, that I don’t belong as a professor, etc.; but I’ve been learning that I can boldly walk by faith and trust that God will deliver me and help me through really hard times.
   
7. Following Jesus means dying to self and having no non-negotiables.  I sometimes talked about dying to self and following Jesus (even wrote a praise song on my guitar about dying to self), but I never really had to experience it in a real way, so it was always more of a hypothetical thing or a punch-line.  When I said “yes” to following Jesus, I’m not sure if I really thought through about what the cost would entail.  Would I still follow Jesus if it meant loneliness, hardship, loss, living somewhere I don’t want to live, sacrifice, pain, a life of singleness, not being able to do what I want, persecution, discomfort, etc?  I think I held non-negotiables for God.  I wanted to follow and serve Jesus, but I didn’t really want to struggle in really hard situations.  I learned what it means to die to self much more firsthand after such a difficult few months.

There’s a lot more things that I’ve been learning, but I’ll stop there for now.  I’m still learning.  Still growing.  It’s still hard — I’m still struggling — and it’s not pleasant.  But God asks me to trust Him and follow.  And it’s awesome to get a little bit of a sense of what God is doing.

Loving vs. Hating Your Life: Fast forward to the future

²³Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. ²⁴I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. ²⁵The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. ²⁶Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.  (John 12:23-26)

Imagine being able to fast forward to the end of your life.  At that point in time, what would it look like?  Where would you be?  What would you have accomplished in life?  To me, your life would most likely end up in one of two possible points on a wide spectrum based upon whether you "loved your life" or whether you "hated your life" for the sake of following and glorifying God.  If you spent your entire life loving it, all the choices you make will inevitably be in response to this goal -- choices in terms of how you spend your time, money, energy, how you make career decisions, etc -- and at the end of your life you find yourself in a certain place way over to one side of the spectrum.  Maybe you'd pursue a higher salary, comfortable living conditions, cool stuff, a nice house, etc.  On the other hand, if you "hate your life in the world" and make glorifying Jesus as your highest priority, then the way you spend your time, money, energy, etc. would also look completely different, and after a lifetime of living life in this way, you'll end up way on the other side of the spectrum.  After you follow either trajectory long term, the final destination point for each of the two goals aren't even remotely close to each other. 

For me, there are a lot of things that I want for my life.  I have strong desires to teach and find my work rewarding, to get married to a beautiful girl who loves God, to live out an exciting adventure for God, and to choose how I can serve Him.  I'd love for things to be comfortable, to have friends, and to have lots of fun with people.  I'd like to be productive and to feel like my life has impact.

But what if God's will for me is totally different?  What if my job is difficult and not rewarding? What if I'm meant to be single for the rest of my life?  What if my life isn't comfortable?  What if my friends gossip about me and turn against me?  What if I end up not being able to do the things I want to do?   No matter what it may cost, am I willing to say, "Not my will, but yours, Lord?"   Jesus asks for it all.  A life truly following Jesus means potentially giving up everything -- do you have prerequisites or non-negotiables for God?  Do you have a set plan in mind for God and ask Him to sign at the "X" at the bottom of the contract to "bless" your will and desires, or do you simply sign the blank contract that God presents to you and trust Him with your whole life?

(also posted at http://www.adventureswithjesus.com )

if Jesus came back this very moment, would you be disappointed?

On Idolatry: You and I were created to worship

Human beings were naturally created to worship something.  It’s in our very nature.  Worship means to ascribe worth to something, and it tends to manifest itself as how you prioritize your time, attention, thoughts, energy, talents, treasures, drive, and passion to a particular thing.  I heard a definition that worship is “setting our affection on something in such a way that it changes the way we live.”  Worship is placing something or someone as our source of fulfillment.  It’s placing value or reverence on something so much, that if we lose it, we despair, our world crumbles away, and we feel ruined or like failures.

All along, we were created to worship God the Creator of the universe, but when sin entered the world in Genesis 3, we began to worship things other than God.  This is what is known as idolatry — worshipping that which is created rather than the Creator (Romans 1:21-25).  The tricky thing is that idolatry is often hard to detect, especially for us as Americans.  It’s usually when we pursue something that is normally good — in and of itself — and make it a competing or higher priority than God.  The end goal of idol worship is a warped, perverted way of trying to attain a life worth living, being happy, and finding self-worth.

The following are important diagnostic questions (adopted from Schewyer, 2009) to ask yourself that can help you determine whether idols are present in your life.  Be honest and ask yourself these hard questions: 

• “If Jesus came back this very minute, would I be disappointed?” i.e., is there some unfulfilled goal or desire on this earth that you want more than simply glorifying and knowing Jesus?
• “What is the thing you want more than anything else in this world?”  e.g., success, to be married, to have a good job, a person, place, thing, etc.
• “What am I most afraid of in life?” e.g., failure, loneliness, not having something, etc.
• “What do I long for most passionately?” e.g., success, a relationship, children, vacation, cool stuff, house, job, sex, etc.
• “Where do I run for comfort?” e.g., food, sex, relationship, drugs, shopping, pills, video games, TV, etc.
• “What do I complain about most?” e.g., job, family, husband, kids, bills, weight, etc.
• “What angers me most?”  e.g., disrespect, not getting certain things, etc.
• “What one thing makes me happiest?” e.g., an achievement, a relationship, job, new clothes, etc.
• “How do I explain myself to other people?” e.g., what your identity is wrapped up in, titles, something you do, etc.
• “What has caused me to be angry/disappointed at God? Where is God ‘failing’ you by not giving you something?”
• “Who or what do I sacrifice the most for in my life?” e.g., boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, kids, job, vacation, etc.
• “If I could change one thing in my life what would that be?” e.g. if I were cooler, skinnier, prettier, or if I had  __(blank)__  then my problems would be solved.
• “Whose approval am I seeking?” e.g. my boss, spouse, significant other, children, friends, etc.
• “What comfort do I treasure the most (one thing you can’t live without)?”

I realized just how easy it is to put your hope and fulfillment in good things other than God.  It is easy for me to struggle with idolatry, because sometimes it happens in such subtle ways.  As Schweyer, lead pastor of a church in Ohio writes, “Good things, elevated to god things, become bad things.”  The fact is, idolatry is pretty much the exact opposite of the gospel.  It’s about you, your performance and efforts, and pursuing something to earn success and fulfillment (if I try harder, get success, get skinnier, get a boyfriend, get married, get cooler, get richer, etc. THEN I will be fulfilled!).  In contrast, the gospel is about Jesus — His grace, and the unconditional love, acceptance, worth, value, peace, contentment, and joy that He gives us.   God loves us not because of our works, effort or lovability — He loves us just because he is gracious, and that’s who He is. 

Idolatry always ends up leading us either to pride or despair — not lasting, joyful contentment.  Our idols cannot ultimately bless, help, save, deliver, or satisfy us — only Jesus can.

So what is the solution to idolatry? 

1. Recognize – Due to our fallen natures, idolatry is default mechanism of the heart to worship created things rather than the Creator.  This leads to a self-righteous, works-based religion that is frustrating and will never satisfy.
2. Repent – Confess to Jesus these idols and that they can’t deliver or give you joy, peace, or contentment that you seek.
3. Replace – We are wired to worship, so we must replace the idols with worshipping Jesus as your only Savior and Lord.  This leads to true joy, contentment, and peace.
4. Rejoice – When we have a proper perspective of who we are worshipping, then we can enjoy created things (food, drink, people) without having them rule over us.

(Note: I didn’t come up with these ideas.  Credit goes to J. Schweyer and J. Root for many of the diagnostic questions and much of this material.)

(also published at www.adventureswithjesus.com)